Sandy Oldrod - My New Alter-Ego

I've just posted this piece of nonsense for a client as part of a viral marketing campaign. On the basis that the camera adds ten pounds, that puts me no more than 30 pounds overweight. I'm also concerned that the camera apparently subtracts 10 inches of height.

Daniel seems to have played it ever so slightly camp, but it's so subtle that you might miss it.

Wig? What wig?

P.S. The client's on www.burofloor.com, with some more silliness on www.rqsonline.tv.

Blinded

Just put this video together for a bunch of young guys with, I think, a significant portion of talent. Couldn't resist sharing it here.

See what you think - and be warned, the riff will haunt you for the next 24 hours.

The Boy's Back in Town

Tom and Kaz enjoy open motoring in an English winter

Somebody seems to have slipped nearly a year past while I was looking away.

The world looks very different from the way it did in June. Back then, the laptop you'd bought for a fortune was worth 30p two months later. Now that's true of your house. A four-bed detached house is about fifty quid, but you can't buy it because you put yours up for sale back when people still had jobs. Nobody wants it anyway, because the rolling fields that provided a fecund outlook from your front window have been replaced by a new housing estate. Those houses are unaccountably going for half a million, despite having Growbags instead of gardens.

But you want to know about Tom, don't you? I know you do, because of the bollockings I've been getting by e-mail.

Tom's house doesn't have downstairs facilities. Fortunately it has a 30ft garage, so plans were laid for converting it into a bedroom and en-suite bathroom so that he could go home and start the process of building a life.

The expense was to be met by Social Services. Great news, except for Catch-22. They wouldn't schedule the conversion until Tom went home. And he couldn't go home until the work was done. Our wonderful welfare state once again demonstrates the rules that make all such schemes so much worthless window-dressing.

So we started the job ourselves. How hard could it be? Tom's brothers, Daniel and Adam, and I were the core team. Based on known abilities with Lego, Plasticene and embroidery (strange chap, Daniel) we set to work.

In November, just under a year after his operation, Tom returned home to a room that's still standing, and a bathroom that's still working. We've had tremendous help from a host of great people, but I still get a big kick every time I walk into the place. From Tom. You'd think he'd be more grateful.

Tom never stops getting better. He's noticeably recovering his balance and posture (the cerebellum is principally responsible for these two factors). His daily walking exercises now involve a Zimmer frame with minimal support from helpers.

One breakthrough in Tom's recovery has come from the Bobath therapy supplied by Manchester Neurotherapy Clinic. Anyone who needs a miracle would do well to investigate these guys. Before Tom's first visit, walking required the full support of three physios. Within an hour, Lynne Fletcher had him walking across the room with nothing more than steadying from her alone.

Meanwhile Tom's speech therapist, Barabara Molteno, continues to bring more coherence to Tom's talking and writing. He can now speak at more or less normal speed, but slowing down a little brings clarity, and we're starting to hear his old voice reappearing.

Tom's never lost focus on where he's going. He works without let-up on beating what could have been an appalling level of disability. And it's working.

He's going to get it all back because, in his own words, "This is unacceptable".

Recovering Tom's Insanity

Laura bravely withstands Tom's appalling sense of humour

I've tried to avoid this becoming TomBlog, but the result of this endeavour is that I don't post anything at all. Having received an e-mail from Neil and Cheryl in Australia this morning I realised two important facts:

1. That the Internet makes it possible for us to have friends we've never met.
2. That a lot of people genuinely want to know how the boy's coming along.

So with this in mind I ask their indulgence in allowing me to share some of what I've told them.

LONG POST WARNING: This is going to take ages

Looking back I see we're six months behind on news. So here's the lightning "previously on this programme" update.

Following the re-location of the cerebellum, Tom made good and rapid progress. His responses became coherent and it was possible to get real yes/no answers from his nods and shakes. His temperature was all over the place, so the nursing staff equipped him with a fan and huge red push switch that he could use to switch it on and off. He couldn't operate it well, but it was a small step towards controlling his environment.

An alphabet board was provided, but not successful. Tom's eyes were badly unsynchronised, so he couldn't really see it, and his left hand movements were so spastic that he couldn't point at a letter. If we read out the letters his thought processes were too slow to alert us when we reached the right one. If we slowed down, he became frustrated. On one occasion Tom made it clear that he needed urgently to tell us something. Yes, he'd try the alphabet board. He spelt out "Remove", the first complete word we'd seen. Our excitement steadily increased as we saw the appearance of the first constructed communication in two months.

"Remove wall pin."

We look at each other uncomfortably. "You spelt out 'Remove wall pin', is that what you meant to say, Tom?" Tom nods fervently. Extended questioning brings no enlightenmment. We're faced with the conclusion we dreaded: something's seriously disconnected, and communication is gibberish.

It was about this time we were summoned to meet Dr Soryal (apologies for approximate spelling), the head of rehabilitation. He's a lovely, warm-hearted man, who tells us gently that the prognosis is fairly poor. There's no voluntary control of the right hand side of Tom's body, and it's unlikely that there ever will be. "But you must understand," he explains patiently, "that this young man still has a quality of life ahead. The important thing now is to get him into specialised rehabilitation, where we can make him the absolute best he can be."

Inevitably, we were shattered. We'd held to the belief that Tom would somehow bounce back to perfect ability. To contemplate that this helpless shell might be all the future held was unsupportable. "You must also understand," insisted the doctor, "that Tom could astonish us all. We're not planning for anything but full recovery, however unlikely that might be. You should be prepared for serious disability, but be ready for the miracle."

We vowed to be ready.

February: Haywood Hospital

Tom was transferred to the rehab unit at Haywood Hospital in early February. By now he'd begun making small movements with right hand and foot. We were seeing signs that he might confound the experts. All of us expected great things now he was in specialist hands.

They didn't happen.

Within a few days it became obvious that Tom was deteriorating rapidly. His responses became erratic, and finally ceased altogether. All of that wonderful progress was evaporating; we were losing him.

An MRI scan revealed that intra-cranial pressure was building rapidly and dangerously. An urgent transfer to North Staff Hospital allowed an emergency operation to install a permanent shunt. It was hoped that this would restore Tom to his previous recovery path, but there was the possibility that further brain damage could have occurred.

Recovery over the next couple of weeks was slow but unmistakeable. He was recapturing lost ground. Then he started moving his right arm and leg. They were weak, but he could move them.

The miracle was beginning.

March: Proposals on the Communication Super-Footpath

As Tom became stronger and more confident he started to ask for the alphabet board again. Dreading the reappearance of the wall pin puzzle, we complied. It worked! Sentences flowed, if not like spring water, at least like lumpy custard. Tom would insist on spelling out "yes" and "no", rather than using his accustomed nods. His pointing accuracy was roughly equivalent to you or me attaching a laser pointer to the end of a fourteen-foot fishing rod, and using the red spot to play "Where's Wally?" using the book at the other end of the football stadium. He'd spell out "ye..." and completely ignore our increasingly desperate prompts. "Yes! Yes! YES! FOR GOD's SAKE YES!" we'd scream as he doggedly consumed another two minutes trying to locate the "S".

One evening we left Tom with his partner Laura for a few moments alone in the conservatory. When we returned, both were grinning broadly. Via the alphabet, he gave us the news.

"I've just asked Laura to marry me."

Later I spoke privately to Laura. Had she accepted because she felt trapped? I assured her we'd understand if that were the case. "It's what I've wanted for ages," she told me, "Typical it takes a bloody brain tumour to get him to say it, but no, it's what I want to do." Throughout this whole ordeal she's remained constant and balanced. What can I say? She's astonishing.

Late March: And the first words are...

So far, Tom had made no real attempt to speak. He'd whispered "Four" once, while correcting me on a rugby score, and he'd very occasionally hiss "fan" if he couldn't operate the switch for his fan, but no sign of real words or sentences.

The dam burst in a way that's quintessentially Tom.

Eva offered me a mint. Tom had by now progressed to sipping thickened liquids, but certainly couldn't cope with Softmints. He constructed a forlorn expression and reached for the packet. "Oh, I'm sorry," said Eva, "That was really insensitive, I'll put them away."

Daniel, Tom's eldest brother, couldn't resist the moment. "Ooh, I really fancy a cool refreshing mint, Mom, can I have one please?"

Tom started to chuckle silently. Laughs at this point consisted of rhythmic expulsions of air, with no vocal sound whatsoever. Daniel started to laugh and continued to taunt his youngest brother. "Oh no, want a mint do you? Wish you could have one? Bet you wish you could tell me what you really think.." and so on.

Tom's laughs started to gain momentum. We all moved seamlessly into hysteria as Daniel stood up and began accompanying his taunts with antic gestures. Suddenly we all stopped and listened. The laughs had begun to be audible. We could hear vocal chords kicking in. Finally the pressure blew a safety valve somewhere and Tom finally found his voice.

"F-f-fuck off!"

Sue, one of Tom's favourite staff nurses came into the conservatory to see what the whoops, laughs and, yes, tears were all about. We explained that we'd just heard Tom's first words, and broadly outlined what he'd said. She put her arm around her patient and said "You wouldn't say that to me, would you, Tom?"

He turned and smiled sweetly up at her. "Fuck off, Sue".

April: Depression and Frustration

We'd been warned that Tom's now meteoric recovery would slow. That's inevitable when you consider that early progress might be that he could move his hand an inch further than he could yesterday. He became deeply depressed, and would frequently become stuck in illogical converstional loops. He became obsessed with his face. It was enclosed in some sort of huge square box. He'd insist that he could come home now, there was no reason for his being kept in this hideous prison. The nurses were cruel; they enjoyed making him miserable; they loved to humiliate him.

None of this, of course, was true. We were seeing the inevitable depression and confusion brought on by serious brain injury.

The hospital assigned Tom a clinical psychologist named Michael. He has the empathy and human understanding of a pork pie. Michael reported that his patient “seemed absolutely fine”. When challenged on this, he came out with a stunningly insightful comment: “Well, I asked Tom if he felt OK and he said yes”. We explained that, though we fully respected his years of training and experience, life had led us to the belief that people don’t always tell the truth about their feelings. He seemed quite surprised by this information.

A change of medication is prescribed and an immediate up-turn in Tom's mood results.

Although occasionally confused, Tom was clearly cognitively intact. Yet Michael kept saying that “Tom seems to understand most of what’s said to him”, as though the lad were seriously impaired. On watching Tom’s behaviour as a detached observer I suddenly saw the reason for this misapprehension. Tom will suddenly point at someone at random, grunt “Nobhead” and dissolve into helpless giggles. Or he’ll break off from a serious conversation because he’s seen a pigeon land on the bird table. “Fat pigeon!” he explodes, and roars with laughter until he chokes. Michael looks on and shakes his head, mourning for the devastation of an intelligent young mind. We roll helplessly around, in similar straits to Tom, knowing that we’re seeing the re-emergence of the glorious madness that imbues all of us Shaws. Making Michael understand this would be like explaining Wittgenstein to a dog whelk. So we don’t.

May: A Sense of Humour in Freefall

We Shaws have an absurd appreciation of humour. It's difficult for balanced humans to understand us because we don't really have that good a grip on reality. We try to focus on higher things, but for us Man is the creature that laughs. So we laugh. A lot. At everything.

Tom's appalling sense of humour hasn't improved as a result of the crisis. As a result, he's funnier than ever. This is somewhat akin to Robert De Niro becoming a better actor. It may be fuelled by one of the symptoms that Tom suffered during the months leading up to his operation: he couldn’t laugh without searing pains in his head. Now that he can guffaw without restraint he takes every opportunity to do so, and it’s the rest of us that suffer the pain. Every visit at some point sees us all clutching sides, jaws or backs-of-heads, complaining of agony while we cough, splutter and weep in unsustainable levels of gigglage.

June: Where are we now?

Six months on from the worst night of my life we're watching the miracle so many people prayed for. A couple of nights ago I watched Tom sitting normally in his wheelchair, holding his guitar. His left hand confidently shaped some simple chords, while his right hand - the one that would never have voluntary movement - made its first halting attempts to finger-pick. He saw me looking at him and turned his ludicrous beaming grin in my direction.

He still has little feeling in his right leg, but it's strong enough to support him. The physios are confident that, in time, he'll walk again.

Later this month he and Laura are going to see the Zutons in concert.

Home is still probably some months away, though visits are likely within the next few weeks. These will become overnight stays as Tom's ability and independence increase. He chatters non-stop in a voice that daily becomes more like his own. We've begun taking a laptop into the hospital and one of the best Web developers I've ever seen is beginning to re-discover his skills.

I've just been reading Richard Hammond's book. His wife Mindy writes honestly and clearly about an experience that parallels our own with uncomfortable accuracy. Her strength brought the Hamster back, and I'm sure has given similar strength to thousands of others who've had to contend with the unimaginable devastation of brain injury.

I'd like to add my own humble contribution to what she and Richard have written. From the viewpoint of last November, the future was beyond contemplation. The reversals and bereavements seemed more than any of us could accommodate. If this is where you are now, only those who've experienced it understand the sheer agony you're experiencing.

But there is always a future. As Tom once again drops in a well-judged but completely left-field remark; as we once again fold into helpless paroxysms, leaking fluids from every facial orifice, I begin to glimpse what really makes us human. He's come further than any prognosis could foresee through sheer bloody-minded indomitability. We're hoping he'll come all the way to full ability.

But whatever the final destination, he's already achieved greatness.

It's Not Easy Being an Infidel

Norwegian Dream: 50,000 tons of licensed premises

That rant in my last posting reminded me of how religion can really land you in trouble. A few years back, my friend Mohammed asked me to join him on a corporate booze cruise. Now if you're unfamiliar with the concept of such things, it works like this.

An event company books a bloody great big cruise liner. It then sells space on the ship to companies who want to put their proposition in front of important people. These places cost around £10,000 a go. The event company then invites captains of industry for a four day cruise, all expenses paid, entertainment and alcohol abuse thrown in. The captains of industry merely have to consent to a 15 minute interview with the people who've paid for the jolly.

Food and fine wine play a large part in this, especially the latter. In fact fine may be the wrong adjective. Copious might be more apt.

Mohammed, as his name suggests, is Muslim, and therefore forbidden to purchase alcohol. I, on the other hand, am some undefined form of agnostic. It's perfectly reasonable therefore to regard my soul as doomed anyway. So I was asked along to fulfil the role of disposable infidel.

Dinner each evening was a black tie affair, accompanied by several bottles of a certain age. It was my job to do the corporate entertaining. Now I am to heavy drinking what Paul Schofield is to Up Pompeii. The small hours each night saw me strolling calmly back to the cabin to which Mohammed retired at a sober ten o'clock. Most nights I was OK as long as no one trod on my hands.

Then comes the Saturday night gala party. Oh no. By 10 o'clock, Mo's outline is already becoming unfocused. He stands and politely takes his leave. I stand and politely knock sherry trifle into my neighbour's lap. "Oi! Garcon! Encore de bleedin' vino ici, pronto! Comprende?"

At 04.30, having impressed everyone with my witty urbanities, profound social insight and stale knock-knock jokes, I make for the cabin. Note to ship designers: bad move to make all the corridors look the same. And if people don't lock their doors I can't be blamed for getting into bed with them. Finally finding the one containing the right sleeping Asian I stumble into bed. Unconsciousness rises to meet me.

It's strange that, whatever time - and whatever state - I go to sleep, I wake at 6.30. Today the creak as my eyelids open is deafening. There seems to be a dead toad in my mouth. I stagger to the shower praying for an ultimate fate that's swift, painless and - ideally - someone else's.

The hot water turns into a wadaiko band on my skull and I put my hands up to lessen the pain. Hang on, hair shouldn't be sharp should it? I appear to have grown stalagmites. I'm going to have to risk opening my eyes all the way.

Oh shit. I've turned brown.

Streaks of hardened bilirubinous material cover 70% of my body. Just how drunk was I last night? Is it possible to be so drunk that you... no, the concept's unthinkable. I complete the most thorough shower of my life with thoughts racing. Somewhere in there it occurs to me that the bed must be in a similar state.

Oh shit.

Back in the cabin, Mo sleeps on, snoring righteously in his neatly turned-down bed. My own is less well-presented. Only the pillow is visible, but there are brown stains visible even on that. This isn't looking good. With predictable trepidation I gingerly pull back the sheet.

Oooooh shit. I replace the sheet

What to do? If I can hide it from Mo then that's one embarrassment avoided, but what will the cabin staff think of me? I'm stuck on this ship for another two days yet for God's sake!

Oh-kay. Take it one step at a time. If I can strip the bed and get the sheets into the bath, then all I have to explain is why they're wet. It's not a complete solution, but it's a start. I start to pull off the bedclothes.

And find the chocolate wrapper.

One side effect of last night's anaesthetic is that I forgot that the cabin staff come in each evening to turn back the top sheet and place a huge chocolate truffle on your pillow. Despite a hangover bigger than a darts player's shirt front I love the cleaning people and want their children. In a ship regularly filled with drunks like me, this must be familiar territory for them. I put the wrapper on the pillow where it can't be missed and add some money as a tip along, with a note saying "sorry for the mess".

When Mo wakes he's amused, unhungover and unsympathetic; he makes maximum noise as we head for breakfast. Over the next couple of days I meet the cabin staff in the corridors, and get the distinct feeling that they don't like me very much.

Predictably, the occurrence becomes one of Mohammed's favourite anecdotes and last week he told it to yet another of his business acquaintances who might otherwise have become one of my clients. I mentioned that I seemed to have become unpopular in the remaining days on board the Norwegian Dream.

"Didn't I tell you?" he grinned, "As we left the cabin I took the chocolate wrapper."

The Road to Hell is Paved With Bad Inventions

Well then, that's the festive season over and done with. You'll notice, of course, that I call it the festive season, not Christmas. This is so that I don't offend anyone.

Well bollocks to that, because everyone should be offended by man's second worst, and most divisive invention: political correctness. The only thing that Orwell got wrong was the year.

The signs were there though, even back in the eighties. My wife banned me from school parents' evenings for getting into a fight with a teacher who wouldn't let me say "blackboard". In answer to his accusation of racism I asked him why he considered black to be bad, and it all went downhill from there.

But our twenty-first century world is threatened by an unholy alliance between political correctness and man's worst invention: religion. God must indeed have infinite patience to tolerate the atrocities we perpetrate in His name. We used to have Crusades and Jihads, now we have institutionalised fear and suspicion.

So our Christmas cards now say "Season's Greetings" in case we offend Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Jedi Knights or other groups who really aren't that upset that Britain contains the occasional Christian.

Last Festive Season I walked into the studio on Festive Season Eve to find everyone wearing Santa hats. Everyone including Javed, a devout Muslim, who'd sent Christmas cards to everyone else in the company. To Javed, Christmas was an important festival commemorating the birth of a great holy man. To the so-called Christians around him it was a good excuse for a piss-up. Whose sensibilities are we protecting here?

We've already proscribed our national flag, and by doing so created a rallying symbol for extremist white twats. Every victory for political correctness strengthens their armoury and brings the Thought Police closer to power.

Yet Another Update

OK, you win, I'll post another update. But then it's definitely time to get this blog back on track.

Tom had a further operation to seat the left side of the cerebellum more naturally in its compartment. This had an immediate effect and we've seen a slow but steady improvement since the op. Unless he gets tired, he'll now do the hand squeeze thing whenever we ask, and he's also added nose and eyebrow wiggles, thumbs-up and smile attempts to his repertoire.

The biggest step came on Wednesday when Eva asked Tom to wrinkle his nose, the resulting grimace made us laugh, and Tom responded with something that looked very like a smile.

Slow, slow progress, but it's all in the right direction.